Since the beginning of recorded history, and across our planet, many great conflicts have been fought between mighty empires.
They may have been fought for the hand of a beautiful woman, as in the siege of Troy, which thrust two powerful civilisations into mortal combat against each other.
Or they may have been economic wars, where the fight for scarce resources, or “lebensraum,” resulted in the deaths of millions.
Then again, battles can waged to satisfy the egos of just a few individuals; Alexander the Great, Genghiz Khan, Napolean Bonaparte, Benito Mussolini.
And so it is to this latter category that the Tewin Horticultural, Arts and Crafts Eighth Annual Autumn Show and Competition, must inevitably belong.
The battle lines are drawn up early in the year, when the various classes are announced by the Committee.
Do NOT for one moment be fooled by the comforting and homely Class and Sub Class headings, which belie the truly aggressive nature of this competition. I will give examples; Class 1 (flower arranging), which includes a sub class for “petite ‘seaside’ arrangement with objects – 150mm x 150mm max”. Or Class 4 (Arts & Crafts), “knitted soft toy or knitted decorative object”. Or Class 6 (Culinary); “four different dinner party bread rolls, brown or white.”
But it is within Class 3 (Vegetables & Fruit) where the battle lines are truly visible, and the conflict is at its most merciless.
Judging is in strict secrecy, with armed guards protecting the judges around the clock in the run up to competition day. Contestants camp out on their allotments, with loaded air rifles, hidden within their sleeping bags, primed and ready to be used should any intruder appear. Three foot runner beans are grown at closely guarded locations, behind barbed wire, well away from prying eyes.
But now it’s Competition Day, and the doors of the Village Hall are thrown open to all (general public, 50p; THACS members, free).
As always, the Vegetables & Fruits Class is dominated by the Titans of the allotment world – Mick & Roger. But despite Roger having entered a pumpkin the size of a Ford Fiesta, it is Mick who carries off First Prize (The Ivor & Vaughan Williams Trophy for Highest Points for Vegetables & Fruit), with a U-Boat sized pumpkin.
Afterwards, the entries are auctioned off to the highest bidder (or whoever can handle a fork lift truck in the case of Roger’s pumpkin). The armed guards are stood down for another year, and the judges released from sequestration, allowing them to return to the bosom of their families and resume normal lives once more.
I was surprised that there was no “Best In Show” award, so I smuggled my own exhibition into the Village Hall, Banksy Style, and placed it amongst the genuine exhibits.
BEST IN SHOW: “Ten Frozen Peas (Defrosted), Glued To A Paper Plate, In The Shape Of A Penis”
